Dear Query Shark:
All the attention Molly Brennan's boyfriend, Jake, pores on her
and here's where I stop reading. Nothing makes me put down a query more quickly than incorrect word usage. Pore is to study carefully or a hole in your skin. You mean pour as in inundate. Words are tools. Using them incorrectly is like hitting a screw with a hammer. Don't do it.
blinds her to the fact he’s unscrupulous and manipulative, just like her father. Molly has no car, no real family to go home to, and to make things worse; (this is an incorrect use of a semi colon) after she’s gained the courage to break up with him, she discovers she’s pregnant.
The youngest of four children—everyone told her what to do: what to eat, what to wear, what to read, what to watch on television, or not watch—she rarely made a decision of her own. Faced with making one of life’s most irreversible choices, Molly finds comfort in a new friend, Kyle.
In the aftermath, Molly realizes she needs to recover a sense of self in order to move on with her life and maybe, just maybe, she might find love, too.
Aftermath? Move on with her life? I think we're missing a crucial piece of information here. Did she have a baby or not?
The Education of Molly Brennan is a work of fiction for the edgy young adult genre. It is complete at 60,000 words.
I'm sorry, but dealing with a pregnancy is not edgy. And the genre is young adult, not edgy young adult. No one stops reading a query based on getting the category wrong, but you want to get it right. This is YA.
I hope you find my query of interest and look forward to hearing from you.
There's not enough here to pique (not peak) my interest. I've been reading books like this since MR & MRS BO JO JONES (published 1968!). You need to focus on telling the story with a fresh approach, or a new twist.
Form rejection.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
#137
Dear Query Shark,
"I'm not in love with Alice Stevens, she's just a very sexy reccuring dream.
At least that's what I thought until the sulfurous redhead showed up in my algebra class on a sunny afternoon and proved me wrong. That's when I found out I was gifted just like her: mind reading, dream walking and persuasion were just the beginning. Now I can shield myself from other people's powers too!
But when we tried to steal her evil dad's journal, Alice got captured and I lost my powers. If it hadn't been for Alice's sister, Jamie, I'd be lying dead with a bullet between my eyes right now.
Jamie's convinced me to try and get my gifts back so we can save Alice. I guess I owe it to her, even though I never truly loved her.
I love Jamie now. Alice will be pissed.
But still, we're gonna rescue her – if she still wants to be rescued that is."
THE GIFTED is a Young Adult paranormal romance, complete at 65 000 words.
Thank you for your consideration,
(author name)
Much as I adore the phrase "sulfurous redhead", this approach (writing the query 'in character') is gimmicky. Don't do it. And what kind of power is "persuasion" anyway? Revise. This isn't a form rejection, I'd read the pages, but it's not the most effective query you can write.
"I'm not in love with Alice Stevens, she's just a very sexy reccuring dream.
At least that's what I thought until the sulfurous redhead showed up in my algebra class on a sunny afternoon and proved me wrong. That's when I found out I was gifted just like her: mind reading, dream walking and persuasion were just the beginning. Now I can shield myself from other people's powers too!
But when we tried to steal her evil dad's journal, Alice got captured and I lost my powers. If it hadn't been for Alice's sister, Jamie, I'd be lying dead with a bullet between my eyes right now.
Jamie's convinced me to try and get my gifts back so we can save Alice. I guess I owe it to her, even though I never truly loved her.
I love Jamie now. Alice will be pissed.
But still, we're gonna rescue her – if she still wants to be rescued that is."
THE GIFTED is a Young Adult paranormal romance, complete at 65 000 words.
Thank you for your consideration,
(author name)
Much as I adore the phrase "sulfurous redhead", this approach (writing the query 'in character') is gimmicky. Don't do it. And what kind of power is "persuasion" anyway? Revise. This isn't a form rejection, I'd read the pages, but it's not the most effective query you can write.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
#136-revised
Dear Query Shark:
Consulting engineer, and sometimes sailor, Peter Bradovich, witnesses a cell phone tower fall over while driving to work early one morning. The tower, typical of those in this rural area, was over a hundred feet tall and about four feet in diameter; not the sort of thing to just fall over.
Consulting engineer and sometimes sailor have NOTHING to do with what follows. It's also not the most important description of this guy. You bury that in the middle of the third paragraph.
And "fall over" is one of the least exciting ways you can describe a 400 foot tower toppling, collapsing, teetering or just plain becoming one with gravity. I look for writers who use words creatively and cleverly.
Peter stops to investigate the cell tower site that evening, and by pure chance, he meets Gregory Zaremba. Gregory, who looks like the stereotypical college kid, professes to be curious, too, but Peter suspects his interest is deeper. Peter calls his son Mike, a U.S. Marshall who works out of Denver, for advice. Mike urges him to be very careful about getting involved, but promises to look into Gregory’s background.
Pure chance? No, not hardly. Gregory is there at that place on purpose. That's not pure chance at all.
And a commenter in the earlier version mentioned that a law enforcement guys can't just run around checking into to people cause their dad calls em up and says "this guy looks suspicious."
When Mike’s inquiries raise red flags at Homeland Security, he is forced to explain his interest in Gregory, and Peter is pulled in to the investigation. Homeland Security discovers that Peter once worked overseas in military intelligence, and convinces him to work undercover to try to determine whether Gregory is involved.
Peter befriends Gregory and discovers that he is the one who destroyed the tower. Gregory believes cell phones to be radiation hazards, and considers the towers a blight on the landscape. He is convinced that he can drive Vista Tel out of business by destroying their towers, but the cell phone company ignores his actions.
You're wasting a lot of time and words here with back story (always a red flag to my impatient, let's get this started eye). What you need to convey here is that
Peter Bradovich finds himself working undercover to catch eco-terrorists after he witnesses the destruction of a cell phone tower.
Then you tell us what choice or problem he faces, and what the consequences are for taking action or not taking action.
Peter is torn between helping put an end to the terrorism and not endangering himself and his family. He reluctantly gets even more involved as Gregory and his growing group of urban eco-terrorists destroy two more towers. The cell phone company continues to ignore them.
The group plans to destroy their fourth tower, one that will cause horrendous damage as it falls by destroying the 345,000-volt transmission line that borders Lake Erie. This is the line that caused the great northeast power blackout of 2003. That blackout resulted in six billion dollars in losses and caused eleven deaths. The group is certain that the cell phone company will not be able to ignore this act of destruction. Peter is to drive.
As Gregory and his group approach the tower, Homeland Security steps in to stop the destruction. Mike works with their antiterrorism unit to extricate his father without revealing his dual role. Gregory and most of his group are arrested, the wave of destruction is stopped, and Peter and his wife can sail away into the sunset
You don't need to cover the entire novel here. You only need to entice someone to read on.
Thank you for considering Cell Tower, my 95,000 word novel, for representation.
Because there's so much of the story revealed here it's VERY hard to suspend disbelief. A good novel draws the reader into the yarn and pretty soon you DO believe everything on the page. It's almost impossible to do that in a one page query, and the fortunate thing is you don't have to. You only need to make me think "oh, that sounds interesting; what happens next?"
Form rejection
--------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark:
Did you drive to work today? What if? As you pass a cell phone tower while driving down the freeway at seventy miles per hour, it falls over! No explosions, no workers, nothing remarkable: it just -- falls -- over…
This is a classic error in queries. Don't start with a question. If you addressed this to any of the many hundreds of agents with a NYC address, chances are they did NOT drive to work today. And chances are they did NOT pass a cell phone tower (cell phone transmitters are on the tops of buildings here.) You're better off leaving this out and starting with the paragraph that comes next.
When consulting engineer and sometimes sailor Peter Bradovich, witnesses the destruction of a cell phone tower while driving to work in Cleveland, he is led by his natural curiosity into working undercover with Homeland Security to expose the perpetrators, an improbable alliance of urban eco-terrorists, Muslim fundamentalists, and industrial espionage mercenaries.
Improbable is right. Rather than list this hodge podge of villainy you might just want to leave it at "terrorists" so I don't look at this and think "yea right, granola and burkas and brand names, oh my."
You really need to start with something I believe can happen. Eco-terrorists knocking down cell phone towers-you bet. Anti-western terrorists knocking down cell phone towers-sure. Eco-terrorists and anti-western terrorists joining TOGETHER to knock down cell phone towers? No. First, they don't need each other. Second, they don't have any common political goals. Third, just exactly how do they find each other? Ads on craiglists under "terrorist henchman needed"?
Simplify.
And what does "sometime sailor" have to do with anything that follows? Nothing.
Peter stops to investigate the cell tower site on his way home, and by pure chance he meets Gregory Zaremba. Gregory, who looks like the stereotypical college kid, professes to be curious, too, but Peter suspects his interest is deeper. Peter calls his son Mike, a U.S. Marshall who works out of Denver, for advice. Mike urges him to be very careful about getting involved, but promises to look into Gregory’s background. When Mike’s inquiries raise red flags at Homeland Security, he is forced to explain his interest in Gregory, and Peter is pulled in to the investigation. Peter befriends Gregory and discovers that he is the one who destroyed the tower! Gregory considers cell phone towers to be an ugly blight on the landscape, and has destroyed the tower in an attempt to force the company to stop erecting them.
ugly blight is redundant.
You're using too much of your query letter here to say the one thing you need: Gregory is knocking down cell phone towers because he wants the company to quit erecting them.
Peter meets Rachel Goldmann, Gregory’s girlfriend and fellow eco-terrorist, and joins their group as its third member. As they continue to destroy cell towers, Peter discovers that they are being supported by a mysterious character from California who professes to be working for a competing cell phone company, but is in fact an Arab fundamentalist. He in turn is being supported by another even more mysterious character from Alexandria, Virginia.
And that's one mysterious character too many.
You can leave this entire paragraph out.
The group plans to destroy their fourth tower, one that will cause horrendous damage as it falls by destroying the 345,000-volt transmission line that borders Lake Erie. This is the line that caused the great northeast power blackout of 2003! All of the key players travel to Cleveland to witness the results of this epic act of destruction. Finally, Homeland Security steps in at the last minute, stops the destruction, and arrests the perpetrators - at least most of them.
This is a bumpy awkward paragraph.
The problem with the plot here is that there is no long term problem. It's not all that hard to build a cell phone tower. If they get knocked down, the company puts another one up. It's inconvenient sure, but it's not life threatening. A good thriller needs higher stakes.
And even if the terrorists knock out all the power on the Eastern seaboard, so what? It's not like the guys at ConEd are going to just sit around whistling Home on the Range. They're going to go FIX the power lines. Heck, I'd be in favor of losing power for a couple days. I could get caught up on my reading. And scotch doesn't need to be refrigerated.
Thank you for considering Cell Tower, my 95,000-word novel for representation. A detailed synopsis and the complete manuscript are available on request.
Sincerely,
(redacted contact info)
This is a mess of characters and motivations. The writing is bumpy and awkward. The plot is too inconsequential to be a thriller. This is a form rejection.
Consulting engineer, and sometimes sailor, Peter Bradovich, witnesses a cell phone tower fall over while driving to work early one morning. The tower, typical of those in this rural area, was over a hundred feet tall and about four feet in diameter; not the sort of thing to just fall over.
Consulting engineer and sometimes sailor have NOTHING to do with what follows. It's also not the most important description of this guy. You bury that in the middle of the third paragraph.
And "fall over" is one of the least exciting ways you can describe a 400 foot tower toppling, collapsing, teetering or just plain becoming one with gravity. I look for writers who use words creatively and cleverly.
Peter stops to investigate the cell tower site that evening, and by pure chance, he meets Gregory Zaremba. Gregory, who looks like the stereotypical college kid, professes to be curious, too, but Peter suspects his interest is deeper. Peter calls his son Mike, a U.S. Marshall who works out of Denver, for advice. Mike urges him to be very careful about getting involved, but promises to look into Gregory’s background.
Pure chance? No, not hardly. Gregory is there at that place on purpose. That's not pure chance at all.
And a commenter in the earlier version mentioned that a law enforcement guys can't just run around checking into to people cause their dad calls em up and says "this guy looks suspicious."
When Mike’s inquiries raise red flags at Homeland Security, he is forced to explain his interest in Gregory, and Peter is pulled in to the investigation. Homeland Security discovers that Peter once worked overseas in military intelligence, and convinces him to work undercover to try to determine whether Gregory is involved.
Peter befriends Gregory and discovers that he is the one who destroyed the tower. Gregory believes cell phones to be radiation hazards, and considers the towers a blight on the landscape. He is convinced that he can drive Vista Tel out of business by destroying their towers, but the cell phone company ignores his actions.
You're wasting a lot of time and words here with back story (always a red flag to my impatient, let's get this started eye). What you need to convey here is that
Peter Bradovich finds himself working undercover to catch eco-terrorists after he witnesses the destruction of a cell phone tower.
Then you tell us what choice or problem he faces, and what the consequences are for taking action or not taking action.
Peter is torn between helping put an end to the terrorism and not endangering himself and his family. He reluctantly gets even more involved as Gregory and his growing group of urban eco-terrorists destroy two more towers. The cell phone company continues to ignore them.
The group plans to destroy their fourth tower, one that will cause horrendous damage as it falls by destroying the 345,000-volt transmission line that borders Lake Erie. This is the line that caused the great northeast power blackout of 2003. That blackout resulted in six billion dollars in losses and caused eleven deaths. The group is certain that the cell phone company will not be able to ignore this act of destruction. Peter is to drive.
As Gregory and his group approach the tower, Homeland Security steps in to stop the destruction. Mike works with their antiterrorism unit to extricate his father without revealing his dual role. Gregory and most of his group are arrested, the wave of destruction is stopped, and Peter and his wife can sail away into the sunset
You don't need to cover the entire novel here. You only need to entice someone to read on.
Thank you for considering Cell Tower, my 95,000 word novel, for representation.
Because there's so much of the story revealed here it's VERY hard to suspend disbelief. A good novel draws the reader into the yarn and pretty soon you DO believe everything on the page. It's almost impossible to do that in a one page query, and the fortunate thing is you don't have to. You only need to make me think "oh, that sounds interesting; what happens next?"
Form rejection
--------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark:
Did you drive to work today? What if? As you pass a cell phone tower while driving down the freeway at seventy miles per hour, it falls over! No explosions, no workers, nothing remarkable: it just -- falls -- over…
This is a classic error in queries. Don't start with a question. If you addressed this to any of the many hundreds of agents with a NYC address, chances are they did NOT drive to work today. And chances are they did NOT pass a cell phone tower (cell phone transmitters are on the tops of buildings here.) You're better off leaving this out and starting with the paragraph that comes next.
Improbable is right. Rather than list this hodge podge of villainy you might just want to leave it at "terrorists" so I don't look at this and think "yea right, granola and burkas and brand names, oh my."
You really need to start with something I believe can happen. Eco-terrorists knocking down cell phone towers-you bet. Anti-western terrorists knocking down cell phone towers-sure. Eco-terrorists and anti-western terrorists joining TOGETHER to knock down cell phone towers? No. First, they don't need each other. Second, they don't have any common political goals. Third, just exactly how do they find each other? Ads on craiglists under "terrorist henchman needed"?
Simplify.
And what does "sometime sailor" have to do with anything that follows? Nothing.
Peter stops to investigate the cell tower site on his way home, and by pure chance he meets Gregory Zaremba. Gregory, who looks like the stereotypical college kid, professes to be curious, too, but Peter suspects his interest is deeper. Peter calls his son Mike, a U.S. Marshall who works out of Denver, for advice. Mike urges him to be very careful about getting involved, but promises to look into Gregory’s background. When Mike’s inquiries raise red flags at Homeland Security, he is forced to explain his interest in Gregory, and Peter is pulled in to the investigation. Peter befriends Gregory and discovers that he is the one who destroyed the tower! Gregory considers cell phone towers to be an ugly blight on the landscape, and has destroyed the tower in an attempt to force the company to stop erecting them.
ugly blight is redundant.
You're using too much of your query letter here to say the one thing you need: Gregory is knocking down cell phone towers because he wants the company to quit erecting them.
Peter meets Rachel Goldmann, Gregory’s girlfriend and fellow eco-terrorist, and joins their group as its third member. As they continue to destroy cell towers, Peter discovers that they are being supported by a mysterious character from California who professes to be working for a competing cell phone company, but is in fact an Arab fundamentalist. He in turn is being supported by another even more mysterious character from Alexandria, Virginia.
And that's one mysterious character too many.
You can leave this entire paragraph out.
The group plans to destroy their fourth tower, one that will cause horrendous damage as it falls by destroying the 345,000-volt transmission line that borders Lake Erie. This is the line that caused the great northeast power blackout of 2003! All of the key players travel to Cleveland to witness the results of this epic act of destruction. Finally, Homeland Security steps in at the last minute, stops the destruction, and arrests the perpetrators - at least most of them.
This is a bumpy awkward paragraph.
The problem with the plot here is that there is no long term problem. It's not all that hard to build a cell phone tower. If they get knocked down, the company puts another one up. It's inconvenient sure, but it's not life threatening. A good thriller needs higher stakes.
And even if the terrorists knock out all the power on the Eastern seaboard, so what? It's not like the guys at ConEd are going to just sit around whistling Home on the Range. They're going to go FIX the power lines. Heck, I'd be in favor of losing power for a couple days. I could get caught up on my reading. And scotch doesn't need to be refrigerated.
Thank you for considering Cell Tower, my 95,000-word novel for representation. A detailed synopsis and the complete manuscript are available on request.
Sincerely,
(redacted contact info)
This is a mess of characters and motivations. The writing is bumpy and awkward. The plot is too inconsequential to be a thriller. This is a form rejection.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
#135-Revised
Dear Shark,
The Victims of Violent Crimes online forum provides support for those wanting to process through tragedy—but two of its members need more. Kimberly Caudill and Brad Ellis meet in an online forum that provides support for victims of violent crimes. They decide to quit being ‘victims’ and become perpetrators instead. They write a new treatment plan: partner up, hunt down the people responsible for their pain. And kill them.
Brad, a therapist in rural North Carolina, is enraged when two sisters he’s been counseling are brutalized by a meth dealer with a craving for kids. In Brazil, Kimmy’s six-month-old is ripped from her arms, murdered and discarded in the alley trash.
The two agree their first target will be the meth dealer.But, in pursuit of the pedophile, their thirst for revenge sweeps Kimmy and Brad into the broiling undertow of an inter-state gang war, fighting to right more wrongs and avenging abuses beyond their own.
Now the gangbangers are after them. And the meth dealer? He just found the most mouthwatering little boy.
That last sentence revolts me. I'm not sure I'd keep reading past it.
You've got a real problem here when the protagonists of the story become the perpetrators of crimes. How exactly are they going to keep our sympathy particularly when their "thirst for revenge" is turning them into vigilantes.
You've got more story here than you know what to do with.
How Kimmy gets to North Carolina, speaks enough English to navigate etc. is beyond the scope of a query letter. You might leave out that her story starts in Brazil. You don't need every detail in a query and the ones that raise more questions than they answer are good candidates for being left out.
MURDER THERAPY is a 100,000 word crime-thriller that draws upon my own decade of experience in therapy as a Qualified Professional in Mental Health and Substance Abuse, Wilderness Therapy Senior Instructor, and years of teaching Mixed Martial Arts. In addition to attending writing conferences and workshops, I also studied Creative Writing at Brigham Young University.
It's not really a thriller since there's no ticking clock and no issue beyond the personal stories of the protagonists. This is a crime novel most likely. If you kill Kimmy and Brad at the end, it's probably noir.
Form rejection.
----------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,
In Wilkes County, North Carolina—birthplace of moonshine and NASCAR—a therapist, Brad Ellis, is rocked with grief when two of his dearest clients are brutalized by a pedophilic meth dealer.
When you mention moonshine and NASCAR in the first sentence, it's not unreasonable to expect the book is about those two things. When I continue reading, I expect to see it. When I don't, I'm confused. Confusion is NOT a good thing in a query letter.
You're using that to be descriptive, but you're describing the location, not the story.
"dearest clients" sounds very strange to me as well, particularly given Brad is a therapist. Are his clients children? And "rocked with grief" is a strange reaction to "brutalized." I'd expect "raging hot anger" --and in fact, given what follows, that's probably more accurate.
Kimberly Caudill is a new mother just arrived in Brazil. Before she’s even unpacked, her six-month-old is ripped from her arms by experienced kidnappers but needlessly murdered once the ransom is paid. In the aftermath of her loss Kimmy’s spiral of self-destruction is amplified by her ‘morning bowl of Zoloft’ and rampant promiscuity.
This is a mess of events, much like too many characters is character soup. The story doesn't start here (but I bet your novel does) The story starts here
------>Then she meets Brad at an online counseling forum. The two agree to augment their treatment by hunting down the people responsible for their tragedies. And kill them.
While Kimmy critiques her target’s fashion sense and Brad struggles with the hypocrisy of being a vigilante-therapist, this crack team botches their first assassination and runs up against a sheriff with his own agenda. He just happens to know someone, a rare individual with a unique skill set, who can help them if they agree to do this one thing—
whoa. Kimmy critiques her target's fashion sense? The fashion sense of a kidnapper who killed her child? This is lunacy. The tone and subject matter combination is so disjointed it makes me think of "Springtime for Hitler" or broccoli ice cream: two things that just do not go together.
And you're off in mish-mash again with "a rare individual" etc. What's the unique skill set and why on earth does he need these two?
From the streets of Sao Palo to the back roads of the rural South, MURDER THERAPY is a story of revenge, filled with violent gang lords, inbred trailer-trash, bikini-clad coeds, special ops soldiers, and crusty old bomb makers.
And we're done. This is where I stop reading. Are you trying to be sardonically humorous? If so, I missed it.
This 100,000 word thriller draws upon my own decade of experience in therapy as a Qualified Professional in Mental Health and Substance Abuse, Wilderness Therapy Senior Instructor, and years of teaching Mixed Martial Arts. In addition to attending writing conferences and workshops, I also studied Creative Writing at (redacted).
This isn't a thriller. I'm not sure what it is, but it's not a thriller. A thriller needs a ticking clock, and stakes larger than what happens to the characters (the difference between burning down one house and burning down a city for example)
Thank you for your consideration,
This is a mess right now. There's a lot of stuff, but no sense of what the book is about and certainly no sense of the book's tone.I have no sense of why I'd want to know any of these characters...in fact, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know them, and that's counterproductive for the purposes of a query.
Brad, a therapist in rural North Carolina, is enraged when two sisters he’s been counseling are brutalized by a meth dealer with a craving for kids. In Brazil, Kimmy’s six-month-old is ripped from her arms, murdered and discarded in the alley trash.
The two agree their first target will be the meth dealer.
Now the gangbangers are after them. And the meth dealer? He just found the most mouthwatering little boy.
That last sentence revolts me. I'm not sure I'd keep reading past it.
You've got a real problem here when the protagonists of the story become the perpetrators of crimes. How exactly are they going to keep our sympathy particularly when their "thirst for revenge" is turning them into vigilantes.
You've got more story here than you know what to do with.
How Kimmy gets to North Carolina, speaks enough English to navigate etc. is beyond the scope of a query letter. You might leave out that her story starts in Brazil. You don't need every detail in a query and the ones that raise more questions than they answer are good candidates for being left out.
MURDER THERAPY is a 100,000 word crime-thriller
It's not really a thriller since there's no ticking clock and no issue beyond the personal stories of the protagonists. This is a crime novel most likely. If you kill Kimmy and Brad at the end, it's probably noir.
Form rejection.
----------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,
In Wilkes County, North Carolina—birthplace of moonshine and NASCAR—a therapist, Brad Ellis, is rocked with grief when two of his dearest clients are brutalized by a pedophilic meth dealer.
When you mention moonshine and NASCAR in the first sentence, it's not unreasonable to expect the book is about those two things. When I continue reading, I expect to see it. When I don't, I'm confused. Confusion is NOT a good thing in a query letter.
You're using that to be descriptive, but you're describing the location, not the story.
"dearest clients" sounds very strange to me as well, particularly given Brad is a therapist. Are his clients children? And "rocked with grief" is a strange reaction to "brutalized." I'd expect "raging hot anger" --and in fact, given what follows, that's probably more accurate.
Kimberly Caudill is a new mother just arrived in Brazil. Before she’s even unpacked, her six-month-old is ripped from her arms by experienced kidnappers but needlessly murdered once the ransom is paid. In the aftermath of her loss Kimmy’s spiral of self-destruction is amplified by her ‘morning bowl of Zoloft’ and rampant promiscuity.
This is a mess of events, much like too many characters is character soup. The story doesn't start here (but I bet your novel does) The story starts here
------>Then she meets Brad at an online counseling forum. The two agree to augment their treatment by hunting down the people responsible for their tragedies. And kill them.
While Kimmy critiques her target’s fashion sense and Brad struggles with the hypocrisy of being a vigilante-therapist, this crack team botches their first assassination and runs up against a sheriff with his own agenda. He just happens to know someone, a rare individual with a unique skill set, who can help them if they agree to do this one thing—
whoa. Kimmy critiques her target's fashion sense? The fashion sense of a kidnapper who killed her child? This is lunacy. The tone and subject matter combination is so disjointed it makes me think of "Springtime for Hitler" or broccoli ice cream: two things that just do not go together.
And you're off in mish-mash again with "a rare individual" etc. What's the unique skill set and why on earth does he need these two?
From the streets of Sao Palo to the back roads of the rural South, MURDER THERAPY is a story of revenge, filled with violent gang lords, inbred trailer-trash, bikini-clad coeds, special ops soldiers, and crusty old bomb makers.
And we're done. This is where I stop reading. Are you trying to be sardonically humorous? If so, I missed it.
This 100,000 word thriller draws upon my own decade of experience in therapy as a Qualified Professional in Mental Health and Substance Abuse, Wilderness Therapy Senior Instructor, and years of teaching Mixed Martial Arts. In addition to attending writing conferences and workshops, I also studied Creative Writing at (redacted).
This isn't a thriller. I'm not sure what it is, but it's not a thriller. A thriller needs a ticking clock, and stakes larger than what happens to the characters (the difference between burning down one house and burning down a city for example)
Thank you for your consideration,
This is a mess right now. There's a lot of stuff, but no sense of what the book is about and certainly no sense of the book's tone.I have no sense of why I'd want to know any of these characters...in fact, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know them, and that's counterproductive for the purposes of a query.
#134
Dear Query Shark,
I have an incomplete fantasy novel
here's where I stop reading and send a form rejection letter
that I'd like to know whether I should bother with. I know this is a bit unusual but you seem like a brutally honest person and that's what I need. I want to know whether I should continue with my idea.
Word count so far is 5,828 out of what I expect to be 60,000.
I know this is unusual but even if you don't critique it on your blog I would love even a tiny response with your honest opinion.
I understand if you don't reply.
SYNOPSIS: (redacted)
FIRST FIVE PAGES: (redacted)
You have to have a finished novel.
There are no exceptions to this.
If you send a query for an unfinished novel, don't say so. It's bad enough to actually do it, it's worse to say so. I don't read queries for unfinished novels.
The first step for writing a query letter is to finish the novel.
And the query shark blog is a critique of query letters, not synopses or first pages. That's why it's called QUERYShark, not WritingShark.
I have an incomplete fantasy novel
here's where I stop reading and send a form rejection letter
that I'd like to know whether I should bother with. I know this is a bit unusual but you seem like a brutally honest person and that's what I need. I want to know whether I should continue with my idea.
Word count so far is 5,828 out of what I expect to be 60,000.
I know this is unusual but even if you don't critique it on your blog I would love even a tiny response with your honest opinion.
I understand if you don't reply.
SYNOPSIS: (redacted)
FIRST FIVE PAGES: (redacted)
You have to have a finished novel.
There are no exceptions to this.
If you send a query for an unfinished novel, don't say so. It's bad enough to actually do it, it's worse to say so. I don't read queries for unfinished novels.
The first step for writing a query letter is to finish the novel.
And the query shark blog is a critique of query letters, not synopses or first pages. That's why it's called QUERYShark, not WritingShark.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
#133
Dear Query Shark
I am seeking representation for my first novel entitled: “THE FINAL CLUE.” This 160,000, word crime novel is set in New York City and is the first of a possible series.
I've stopped reading right here. 160,000 words is too long. I don't care if it's more beautifully written than James Lee Burke, the ugly truth is I can't sell a long ass novel right now. Pare it down to 120,000 and better yet, under 100,000 words.
Agent Gina Russo received a phone call 5:15 am from a man who identified himself as Mr.WNM as in her worst night-mare, claiming he could see her in the window 23 stories up, through the heavily falling snow and informed her of his plans to rob millions from the National Vault institute.
This is supposed to set the suspense. It doesn't. You need to start with something that sounds real. Calling someone to inform them you're going to rob a bank isn't. Think about it. Set up the situation first, then you add the twist that she finds out he's going to rob the bank.
Seven years earlier, the caller, William Nicholas Mancuso aka Nick Mancini, was presumed dead after then Officer Russo fired her gun striking a barrel filled with explosives during a botched armed bank robbery. His world was torn apart when she apprehended his brother Anthony at the crime scene for which he now serves a life sentence. He vowed to avenge his brother. He observed her for seven years then decides the time has come, let the games begin.
What? This doesn't make any actual sense. You've got too many specifics and too many names. What you've got in so many (more!) words is: Nick Mancini vows revenge after Russo arrested his brother. Simplify.
Based on the knowledge the Commander received from Agent Russo that morning, he makes the decision to assign an Agent to guard her due to the caller knowing her location and not knowing the caller’s true intentions. Agent Russo is furious about the situation, knowing she is capable of taking care of herself. She has never failed to capture her suspect. Agent Russo tries to solve the hidden clues within the rhymes continually sent by the caller. She needs to stop him from succeeding with his plans to rob the bank and his determination to mentally break her down. Failure is not an option in Agent Russo’s mind. She struggles with the thought of what triggered the caller to contact her in the first place and also her inner feelings about the unwelcome temporary roommate the commander assigned to stay with her 24/7.
Who the hell is the Commander? You're bogged down in details. Answer three simple questions: who's the protagonist; what choice does she face; what are the consequences of the choice. That's ALL you need. You've confused the reader here with too much detail.
I have worked in law enforcement over 21 years and although I am not an officer of the law, I have gained an enormous amount of knowledge throughout the years.
You don't need to distinguish between a position as a sworn officer or a civilian job.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to an opportunity to share the entire manuscript with you upon request.
This is a form rejection based on both word count and utter confusion.
I am seeking representation for my first novel entitled: “THE FINAL CLUE.” This 160,000, word crime novel is set in New York City and is the first of a possible series.
I've stopped reading right here. 160,000 words is too long. I don't care if it's more beautifully written than James Lee Burke, the ugly truth is I can't sell a long ass novel right now. Pare it down to 120,000 and better yet, under 100,000 words.
Agent Gina Russo received a phone call 5:15 am from a man who identified himself as Mr.WNM as in her worst night-mare, claiming he could see her in the window 23 stories up, through the heavily falling snow and informed her of his plans to rob millions from the National Vault institute.
This is supposed to set the suspense. It doesn't. You need to start with something that sounds real. Calling someone to inform them you're going to rob a bank isn't. Think about it. Set up the situation first, then you add the twist that she finds out he's going to rob the bank.
Seven years earlier, the caller, William Nicholas Mancuso aka Nick Mancini, was presumed dead after then Officer Russo fired her gun striking a barrel filled with explosives during a botched armed bank robbery. His world was torn apart when she apprehended his brother Anthony at the crime scene for which he now serves a life sentence. He vowed to avenge his brother. He observed her for seven years then decides the time has come, let the games begin.
What? This doesn't make any actual sense. You've got too many specifics and too many names. What you've got in so many (more!) words is: Nick Mancini vows revenge after Russo arrested his brother. Simplify.
Based on the knowledge the Commander received from Agent Russo that morning, he makes the decision to assign an Agent to guard her due to the caller knowing her location and not knowing the caller’s true intentions. Agent Russo is furious about the situation, knowing she is capable of taking care of herself. She has never failed to capture her suspect. Agent Russo tries to solve the hidden clues within the rhymes continually sent by the caller. She needs to stop him from succeeding with his plans to rob the bank and his determination to mentally break her down. Failure is not an option in Agent Russo’s mind. She struggles with the thought of what triggered the caller to contact her in the first place and also her inner feelings about the unwelcome temporary roommate the commander assigned to stay with her 24/7.
Who the hell is the Commander? You're bogged down in details. Answer three simple questions: who's the protagonist; what choice does she face; what are the consequences of the choice. That's ALL you need. You've confused the reader here with too much detail.
I have worked in law enforcement over 21 years
You don't need to distinguish between a position as a sworn officer or a civilian job.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to an opportunity to share the entire manuscript with you upon request.
This is a form rejection based on both word count and utter confusion.
#132-REVISION
Revision:
THE DEVIL ORDERS TAKEOUT is a romp, the tragicomic story of New York attorney Grayson Boldt. After the violent death of his wife and older son, he New York attorney Grayson Boldt strikes a deal with a mob boss to take revenge on the killer and protect his younger son.
Sliding deeper into the mobster's shady business, Grayson drawsa the line at sending an innocent man to prison. For punishment the mob boss plans to kill Grayson's only surviving son himself.
And the mob boss sounds psychotic. Psychotics aren't all that interesting because they're one-dimensioinal
Desperate, Grayson tells him the boy is a gifted golfer who could win him money. The mobster, a notorious sports better with a secret motive, agrees to a reprieve providing the boy wins the Masters before his twenty-first birthday. Grayson uses his wealth and cunning to keep his prodigy son focused on golf, while the mob boss wagers a fortune against him.
You've got a jarring mix of tone here. It's also clear from your use of "romp" and "tragicomic" that you're not sure what it is either. Threatening to kill someone's son isn't a romp unless it's some sort of weird Princess Bride-like send up. I don't get the sense that's what you're doing.
I have studied creative writing for fifteen years and used my storytelling experience garnered as a Hollywood film editor and script doctor to write this first of a series novel.
Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you.
Sincerely,
Still a form rejection.
But I still like the title.
---------------------
ORIGINAL
THE DEVIL ORDERS TAKEOUT is a 107,000 wordtragicomic novel with a unique voice, driving plot, resolute women, and offbeat/quirky characters that will long be remembered.
This is telling, not showing. It's the sign of weak writing in a novel; it's worse in a query.
New York attorney Grayson Boldt, who after the violent death of his wife and older son, strikes a deal with a mob boss to take revenge on the killer and protect his younger son. Sliding deeper into the mobster's shady business, Grayson crosses him and must pay with his remaining son’s life unless the boy wins the Masters golf tournament before his twenty-first birthday. Grayson uses his wealth and cunning to keep his son focused on golf but learns the mob boss is wagering his entire fortune on the son losing the fateful tournament.
I've stopped reading right here because I just don't believe any of this could happen. I've believed a lot of impossible things (Jeff Somers entire post apocalyptic New York just for starters, and pretty much all of Alice in Wonderland) but this just doesn't make sense to me.
Why on earth would anyone risk his surviving son's life by hoping he'll win the Masters? This doesn't make emotional sense to me.
And the mob boss wagering an entire fortune? On a golf game? I don't believe that either.
You can create amazing worlds and situations but you have to construct it in a way that the reader will believe it. This doesn't do that for me.
I have studied creative writing for fifteen years and used my storytelling experience garnered as a Hollywood film editor and script doctor to write this first of a series novel.
Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you.
Form rejection.
I like the title.
Sliding deeper into the mobster's shady business, Grayson draws
And the mob boss sounds psychotic. Psychotics aren't all that interesting because they're one-dimensioinal
Desperate, Grayson tells him the boy is a gifted golfer who could win him money. The mobster, a notorious sports better with a secret motive, agrees to a reprieve providing the boy wins the Masters before his twenty-first birthday. Grayson uses his wealth and cunning to keep his prodigy son focused on golf, while the mob boss wagers a fortune against him.
You've got a jarring mix of tone here. It's also clear from your use of "romp" and "tragicomic" that you're not sure what it is either. Threatening to kill someone's son isn't a romp unless it's some sort of weird Princess Bride-like send up. I don't get the sense that's what you're doing.
Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you.
Sincerely,
Still a form rejection.
But I still like the title.
---------------------
ORIGINAL
THE DEVIL ORDERS TAKEOUT is a 107,000 word
This is telling, not showing. It's the sign of weak writing in a novel; it's worse in a query.
New York attorney Grayson Boldt, who after the violent death of his wife and older son, strikes a deal with a mob boss to take revenge on the killer and protect his younger son. Sliding deeper into the mobster's shady business, Grayson crosses him and must pay with his remaining son’s life unless the boy wins the Masters golf tournament before his twenty-first birthday. Grayson uses his wealth and cunning to keep his son focused on golf but learns the mob boss is wagering his entire fortune on the son losing the fateful tournament.
I've stopped reading right here because I just don't believe any of this could happen. I've believed a lot of impossible things (Jeff Somers entire post apocalyptic New York just for starters, and pretty much all of Alice in Wonderland) but this just doesn't make sense to me.
Why on earth would anyone risk his surviving son's life by hoping he'll win the Masters? This doesn't make emotional sense to me.
And the mob boss wagering an entire fortune? On a golf game? I don't believe that either.
You can create amazing worlds and situations but you have to construct it in a way that the reader will believe it. This doesn't do that for me.
I have studied creative writing for fifteen years and used my storytelling experience garnered as a Hollywood film editor and script doctor to write this first of a series novel.
Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you.
Form rejection.
I like the title.
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